So the banquet began normally, old white people talked about their graduating seniors. Then one particular old white guy stood up to talk about his graduating senior who happend to be not white. Apparently, upon this senior’s entrance into the forensics room his freshmen year, the coach thought, “Oh wow! Diversity!” It gets better. His next thought was, “I don’t care if this guy doesn’t even speak English. We have to have him.” Tokenism at its finest.
The rest of the speeches were much less interesting and typically boring, but at least they weren’t laced with subtle slash not so subtle racism.
Then Cal/Graham cleared to octofinals. The ride home, however, featured Ryan usurping Graham’s spot in shotgun as navigator. Ryan used his lack of an iPhone to direct us back to the hotel. After following the signs to a Holiday Inn, we realized it was the other Holiday Inn in St. Cloud. I guess the Neo-Nazi and KKK rallies that have made St. Cloud famous need somewhere to host their guest speakers. Everyone except Cal was convinced it was the wrong building. We considered having Cal investigate to demonstrate how wrong he was by trying to wander into someone else’s room, but instead Miles bet that if that wasn’t our hotel Cal would have to complement Miles’s driving and thank him at the beginning of out rounds. Miles said it could not be done ironically, but the rest of us have no idea how complementing his driving could possibly be non-ironic. He’d have to channel David’s post-irony.
Octofinals: The US should take a strategic risk towards Iran. Cal wanted to run T: “I am strategic risk.” Graham thought that argument was, “Literally the worst argument I have ever heard.” The gov case was lift sanctions on Iran so they can help Assad and acquire nuclear weapons to make the Middle-East a heaven of peace. Some might even call it the Kingdom of Heaven.
Cal and Graham responded with: Israel will strike if we remove sanctions, Iran will use nuclear weapons if they get them (or at least give them to terrorists), sanctions are getting the regime to topple, and Assad is an asshole who doesn’t deserve anyone’s assistance. Needless to say, many many utils were generated. The MG took 5 minutes and 40 seconds to claim that World War II proves deterrence works because no one actually fought an armed conflict durring it. Thank god it didn’t end with a nuclear strike. Needless to say, the round terminated in a global thermonuclear war impact, which sent Cal reminiscing about his glory days in policy.
We now await for the judge to hand in her ballot. Yes, these were single judge octofinals.