Today, the Carleton debate team learned a number of things. We learned that you don’t need to have impacts to win a round. We learned that Ripon JK is, indeed, not just kidding. And most importantly, we learned that David is just sublimely creeped out by the humble town of Mankato, MN.
But now, to begin at the beginning. The beginning of the day, that is–you, humble reader, have already learned of the events of yesterday, which was the tournament’s true beginning. Reminding you of this would be boring. Much like this last paragraph.
Anyway, beginnings. Miles and Justin debated the formidable duo of Pimp My Bum guy’s facial hair and a sub-mediocre judge. The resolution was: “This house believes that religious-based schools should lose their tax-exempt status”. Carleton DM opposed, and relied on a counter plan to instead remove the tax-exempt status of only non-accredited schools. Despite Ripon JK not having impacts, and not responding in any remotely coherent way to our counter plan, they likely picked up the round–as evidenced by the fact that they appeared later in elimination rounds, and Carleton DM did not.
As for David and Graham, they went up against an extra topical plan. They said it was extra topical, the judge agreed, and that was the end of that.
Then, quarterfinals were announced. David and Graham were in, Justin and Miles were out. Also notable was that every team Justin and Miles hit made it to elim rounds. Every single one. And now, half of them are in semifinals.
But I’m getting ahead from the beginning place where I meant to start in the first place, and my desperate attempts at clever wordplay aren’t going anywhere. So, the story of quarterfinals.
David and Graham upheld the honor of Carleton in another Canon River Invitational, squaring off against a St. Olaf team. After David wandered off about three times, and judges failed to show up until about twenty minutes after the round was supposed to start, Carleton lost the flip, and was forced to be government. The resolution was: This house should renew renewable energy.
Carleton presented a cunning plan–tax incentives for solar panels, to save the environment and restore consumer confidence to get people spending again. St. Olaf decided that they would counter this plan with a counter plan, and further decided that this counter plan would be the most badass gas tax ever: one that would give us enough money to not only ‘fully fund’ public transportation in all major cities, but to fund (presumably successful) R&D into green technologies that were better than solar.
They also decided to say that spending money will blow up the economy, and adroitly pointed out that solar panels weren’t very efficient–‘particles hitting each other creates energy, and the particles are very far apart.’ Also, solar panels are very inefficient– they’re ‘only about 20% efficient’.
Graham and David, unfazed by the brilliance of this strategy, proceeded to permute the counter plan and point out the various flaws in the other arguments. St. Olaf responded to the perm by observing that “you can’t spend and save at the same time”. Yeah, because no government has ever done that.
Suffice to say, Graham and David pulled out the win, and are now in Semifinals. Ripon JK, again defying the fate laid out for them by their team code, somehow beat one of the better Bethel teams, and will face Carleton TM in semifinals.
As some of you will realize, this is a rematch for our own dynamic duo. Last year, at this very same tournament, they ran a facts case in quarterfinals and lost to Ripon JK and their devastating ‘pimp my bum’ analogies. THEY WILL NOT LOSE THIS TIME.
CARLETON DEBATE OUT